💌 425. Crying out in front of Jesus on the Cross

After moving to Naju and starting life in a new house, I, who had been diagnosed as having terminal cancer with a limited lifetime, was drawing closer and closer to death in an untreatable condition. Unable to eat, I would vomit when I barely swallowed even a little. Even water was difficult to swallow but since my mother went to the countryside for farming, I had to move my body to do household chores even under those circumstances.

One day, my stomach twisted and my whole body was in so much pain that I could not control it to move, so I was lying down for a while. At that moment, my maternal aunt(=wife of my second eldest maternal uncle), who had been staying in Naju to prepare meals for her son, Gil-young, came to see me. Gil-Young, my maternal cousin, had been running a cosmetics dealership in Naju and his house was in our neighborhood. That was why she visited me.

However, she did not leave me even though it was night and she came into my room, saying that she would make mung bean porridge for me as I was lying down sick. As I was struggling in pain, I could not get up but she was touching my stomach, endlessly repeating a spell that went, "Nammyo Horang Kangkyo, Nammyo Horang Kangkyoe..."!

I felt like my head was going to explode from the spell and I could not possibly bear it. When I was young, she had been relatively kind to me by adoring me and saying I had been good at work, so I could not tell her to stop it. Even though I offered it up with Semchigo as if it were a beautiful melody, I felt like I was about to die. Even she suggested to me, “Dear, if you recite along like this, your illness can be cured.”

After telling me to chant out loud, she went to the kitchen to make mung bean porridge. That sound was so creepy that I did not want to even hear it, but she told me to recite it. If she returned to me, she would again recite the spell repeatedly. But I could not possibly listen to it anymore, let alone recite it.

So, even as I was dying, I mustered all my strength to abruptly rise and ran out of the house with my mind fading and my body uncontrollable.

In the dark night, I walked wherever my feet touched, feeling like I could collapse at any moment. Even though my consciousness was dim, each step I took was a struggle to survive.

The place that my faltering feet led me to was a Catholic church with a cold iron door tightly closed. I arrived at the church as if I were enchanted by someone calling me! I strongly felt that I had to go in quickly. There were no street lights then, so I could hardly see anything in the complete darkness. However, a strange attraction made me feel like there was a small door somewhere.

I fumbled all around and as expected, there was a small door. I put my hand through the iron bars, opened the locked door, and entered the church as if drawn by an unseen force. A dark church engulfed in silence and empty of people. Only a candle brightening the tabernacle was flickering and shining softly, illuminating the surroundings. I set foot again in six years in the house of God Who I had been calling upon for all my life!

Deep inside my pulsating heart, a warm sense of relief that I had never felt before enveloped me and the sadness buried deep in my soul surged in like a tidal wave. My life had been a never-ending storm of pain! After all these years, was it not God who knew me so well?

In the depths of my beating heart, a relief I had never felt before washed over me, and the tears that had been gathering in the depths of my soul came rushing in like a tidal wave. My life had been a never-ending storm of pain! After all these years, was it not God who knew me so well? In the presence of God the Father, I felt like a newborn baby, naked and bare, and all the wounds I had so painstakingly hidden in the depths of my tender heart from anyone's knowledge came to the surface of my memory.

My life, which I had intended to offer entirely out of my overflowing love for them.
Even if it had never returned, my heart-wrenching love, which I cried and screamed in my heart, yearning (*to pour it out on others even in the midst of suffering.). How many nights I had spent staying up, crying, wrapping my bleeding heart in several layers after being wounded beyond measure!

I unfolded before Jesus, one by one, all the wounds deeply embedded in my tender heart, crushed again and again.
Then, as I looked at Jesus hanging alone on the Cross, vaguely visible in the darkness, I cried out loud with all my might. “Jesus...! Jesus! Please quickly take me, a poor one, into your loving arms. Please take me quickly, yes?

You know me better than anyone else. Even if I was subjected to uncomfortable situations in my life, I laid down myself in the hope that my neighbors would find peace! To everyone who needed help, even if I was dying of starvation, I tried my best to endlessly provide help and love, tirelessly making efforts even at the risk of my life, despite any pains I might have suffered.

I have sacrificed my whole body and made efforts with all my love while offering up with Semchigo as if I had been healthy. God, you know that I have lived a life of giving, struggling to give only love to my neighbors.

Even though I was subjected to harsh treatment such as being whipped that felt like I was being torn into pieces by extreme pain and insults, I always offered it up happily with constant Semchigo as if I were loved. Also, have I not lived a life to the best of my ability so far, without giving up in any situation?

I have never resented or hated many of those who gave me a hard time, not even once. Rather, I loved them ardently. What I earnestly wished was that I could take best care of my poor mother to live comfortably throughout the rest of her life, as she sacrificed her life, going through many adversities just for my sake, not seeking easy life by remarriage despite such hardships she experienced. And I wanted to live happily by building a harmonious, happy family as a lovebird couple for the sake of my husband and children.

Am I being greedy and hoping for too much? Since I was young, I lived with poor people, sharing affection and I wished to continue living with poor grandmothers in the future too. However, before achieving the wishes, my presence became an obstacle to everyone I loved.

If you really know me, please resolve it quickly by saving me or by taking me to your side. Now, I have became so exhausted that I cannot even manage to take a sip of water, to live joyfully Offering Up with Semchigo.” I cried. Only my high, thin cry that broke the silence echoed in the quiet church.