415. O, The Veil of My Lonely, Sad, and Desperate Life!

I was immersed in a sea of memories that flowed in, much like a tidal wave of the sea, as I journeyed home on the bus. The blue sky was refreshingly high with no single lonely cloud.

Just as a cloud made up of countless water droplets is scattered in the air without a trace by a strong wind in the lofty sky, 33 years of my life, whether it be short or long, adorned with dewdrops of intense pain at every moment, by the strong wind of death, dimly dispersing into the empty blue sky of nothingness. It seems that the time has come for the lonely girl with many dreams to return to the sky where her sweet papa is, whom she yearned intensely for. Now, all I had left was my love for my family and nothing else.

I had no idea how much of my life was left but, I did not want to cause any worries to my beloved family, who were more precious than anything else. I tightly closed my trembling lips and decided to accept my impending death alone quietly. However, when I thought of the only one, my dearest and most precious mother, my delicate heart was filled with an overwhelming surge of sadness.

My mother lost everything—her husband, house, and assets—at the age of 27 when still in the prime of her life, like a flower of her youth, but she was left alone. It was clear that she needed to be strong. My mother did not mind doing all kinds of difficult and unpleasant work to raise me, her only daughter, in a harsh world where she had no one to rely on. My mother who did her best to raise me well so that I would not be called "a child of a single mother without a father" from a very young age!

So, contrary to her heart, she had to show me her great and deep love by scolding me harshly and beating me to the extent of many rods being broken instead of speaking kind words to me. So far, my mother did not mind going through all kinds of hardships to keep her daughter’s household but I have to face the end of my life without properly showing her my filial piety.

When I thought of my mother who had been through a lot, sacrificing her entire life for the sake of me, her daughter, I felt as if a levee accumulated painstakingly were collapsing in an instant. "Rumbling boom boom!!!" It felt like I was standing alone in the midst of heavy, stormy rain pouring down like a waterfall, drenched in the rain as cold as being slashed by a knife and then I felt like being struck by sudden lightning which was threatening to burn all my body in an instant.

The heartbreaking pains, sadness, and sufferings were so extreme that no words could possibly describe the terrible situation I was in. I became overwhelmed with emotions, causing my heart to ache so much that it even made me feel suffocated. It felt like my heart would stop at any moment. I would have to go to my father first, leaving my mother alone who shed countless tears for me to the point where her eyes were swollen shut, trembling with fear as I faced death numerous times in my life...

“Oh, my poor mother! To ensure her comfortable life as the proud daughter worth more than ten sons, I endured those years of countless sufferings with tears in my eyes, but...Oh, father, my father! Now that I would be a bitter grave in my mother's heart, what should I do? Due to my inadequacy, my mother has endured hardships throughout her life, sacrificing herself and offering up her fragile body.

Mother, my dear mother! Please forgive me as I am destined to become an unfilial daughter who finally drives a big nail into your heart. And you, my dear, precious babies, how can you navigate this world without your mother, especially at such a tender age, when she is afflicted by this dreadful illness and couldn't receive the necessary treatment? How could I, your mother, close my eyes, leaving you behind, whom I love with all my life?"

When my four children huddled together in my arms like a hen gathers her chicks in her wings, their lovely warmth would melt my heart. They have become everything in my life. As I thought of the eight clear eyes that were looking sorrowfully at me, their sick mother and the anxious eyes of my mother who knew everything about me just by looking at me without saying a word, I ended up bursting into tears secretly.

Yes… Even in the little time left in my life, I will burn myself unsparingly for the sake of my family, giving my utmost. . I will offer my love with all my being! I made a firm resolution and I got off the bus and walked towards my house with all my strength but the tears blocked my vision. I could not see anything so I could not take a single step.

Tears were pouring down endlessly and my heart was being shattered uncontrollably. I looked back on my days when I wedged my way through hardships, doing my best and not losing hope, no matter how painful and difficult my situations were. I looked back on a life filled with dreams and an indomitable will, even though I have been trampled on countless times. I calmly (超然) let my painful heart float aloof into that clear sky, high above. O, The veil of my sad and desperate life!