💌 412. “How much longer can I live?"

Only after being sentenced to death, I came to realize that a friend named cancer had been stealthily living within me, gradually gnawing away at my physical well-being until it encroached on my whole body. The last time I had visited Yeongam Daesung Hospital, the doctor had repeatedly advised me to go to a larger hospital for a precise examination and biopsy. But I could not make it there, because I had to continuously come up with the money that my mother-in-law demanded, even in the midst of my pain pushing me to the threshold of death.

This day, however, he said that even going to a larger hospital would be of no use. As I thought that the time permitted for me was coming to an end, I felt a heart-rending pain. Then, all those days flashed through my mind - the days when I struggled to live somehow for the sake of my mother and my children even amidst the numerous sufferings.

In the face of the grim reality that all those efforts that I had made shedding invisible tears of blood would go out of the window, vanishing into darkness, I felt like I have been abandoned in a pitch-dark world. Sensing that everything was coming to an end, I went back into the doctor’s office to ask him how much longer I could live. Arduously concealing my flowing tears, I asked him,

"Doctor, how much longer can I live?" Startled to see me back in his office, he said to me in a cold voice, "It is said that human life depends on God." What else could it be other than a definitive death sentence? "Ma'am, go home, have delicious food and take a comfortable rest." So, I replied, "As you know, I can not eat anything at all."

Suppressing my tears that felt like pouring out at any moment, I asked him one last question, "Is there really... no way to have a bowel movement?" However, his response to my fragile, trembling voice was truly discouraging. "Ma'am, I am sorry. We have other patients to attend to. I am sorry I can not help you." He said it so resolutely, turning away from me.

I painfully realized from his tone of voice that no matter how much I pleaded, it would be utterly of no use. With the faintest thread of hope I clung to disappearing like a handful of ashes, I resigned myself humbly to the impending death. "I understand. Goodbye, Sir. Thank you for everything. Please take care."

I have been coming to this hospital for more than four years, although not frequently. So, bidding them a courteous farewell and accepting everything with a sense of resignation, I left the doctor’s office. At that moment, I overheard a nurse saying to him, "Sir, do you not think you were so harsh and cruel? She has been to our hospital for years... and how kind she was!

She always gave hope to the patients with kind words. Even if she could die at any time, I wished you had injected at least a painkiller to her even though it would not work. You do not need to be that harsh to her.”

The doctor sighed heavily, saying, “The reason I was so harsh is not that I do not know how kind she is. There is nothing I can do right now. It is a completely hopeless situation, so I can not give her a false hope.

From now on, preparing for death as soon as possible is the best consideration for both her and her family. Even attempting to administer an IV analgesic would involve difficulties in finding veins. Even if the needle goes in, the medicine would not go in, only causing pain. How difficult it was when the five of us, 3 nurses and 2 doctors, tried to find veins for a blood test earlier?

But eventually the thin vein was ruptured, making it impossible to draw blood. Then what should we do? Additionally, her anus was completely blocked. Even If she ever ate something, it would not be discharged, only causing her excruciating pain.” The head nurse questioned, "Then why did you suggest her going home to eat plenty of delicious food and take a comfortable rest?"

"Then, what should I say? I just can not tell her, 'Since you can not do anything, prepare for death.'" "Then, would a colostomy be completely impossible?" "As I said earlier, that is why I advised her to go to a university hospital if possible. Her highest blood pressure was 50/40. Now, her blood pressure can not even be measured."

"Yeah... Even earlier, her blood pressure was not measured at all, so I checked it several times." "See, that is why even if she went to a major hospital, they could not operate on her. So, there is literally nothing that can be done, let alone a colostomy." I could not bear to listen anymore, so I quietly turned to leave the hospital.