639. Offering Up My Suffering, Hiding Out of Sight to Clear Away the Feast Table

639. Offering Up My Suffering, Hiding Out of Sight to Clear Away the Feast Table

Since my days as a catechumen, I have been actively involved in the Charismatic Renewal ministry, receiving much praise and attention. At every major event, I was placed at the front to guide others and always took the central position in the worship. Though I did not wish to stand in the spotlight, I was repeatedly told, “It must be Julia.” So, practicing Semchigo as if I were working while hiding in the back, I responded with “Amen” and did my best.

A bright smile always blossomed on my face like a flower. There was nothing that was not beautiful because I saw everyone as a little Jesus and a little Blessed Mother. Everyone loved me so much and praised me but I offered up all the praise I received to the Lord, simply giving thanks to Him for using me as His instrument despite my unworthiness.

There were some fellow volunteers who were envious and jealous of me, but I accepted them as spiritual benefactors sent by the Lord to humble me and loved them as my brothers and sisters in God’s love with Semchigo as if I were loved by them. However, as I grew a little more spiritually, I came to realize that because of me, their jealousy and envy led them to commit the sin of judgment, causing pain to the Lord’s Heart.

I felt deeply sorry for them and even more so for the Lord, to the point that I did not know where to put myself. So, I decided to work in places where I would not be noticed. Another reason for this decision was that I had seen too many volunteers who, despite being in service, acted as if they were lording over others. Moreover, I had also witnessed volunteers who claimed to have received gifts, yet instead of offering up praise and glory to the Lord who granted them those gifts, they exalted themselves.

Everything we do for the Lord is not done by us, but by the Lord through us, is it not? We are merely instruments used for a brief moment and all glory should rightfully belong to the Lord alone. Yet, whenever I saw volunteers boasting as if they had accomplished everything themselves, my heart ached as if it were being pierced.

When my heart hurt like that, I reflected on how much more painful the Sacred Heart of the Lord must be and I, being unworthy, could not even fathom the depth of that pain. I just wanted to make up for the suffering that the Hearts of Jesus and the Blessed Mother would receive. During my service in the Charismatic Renewal Movement, many people whom I had prayed for were healed by the grace of the Lord, but as they attributed it to me I no longer wanted to hear people thank me for their healing.

It was because everything was the work of the Lord through me, an unworthy instrument. Although I think, “I will never become that proud,” I realized that if I did not stay awake in prayer, and due to the constant temptation of the devils of pride that urge humans, I could unknowingly fall into it at any moment.

Since I asked the Lord for suffering, I decided to serve even more humbly and unnoticed. I immediately told the president of the Charismatic Renewal Service, Paul, “President! I have been doing a lot of volunteer work. It was like setting a spiritual banquet table to feed the spiritually hungry. But now I want to hide in the unseen places and do the work of clearing the banquet table.”

After I said this, I intended to leave the Charismatic Renewal ministry but the president persistently tried to hold on to me. Although I was preparing to step back gradually, the president kept calling me, not letting me go. In those moments, I responded with “Amen” and did my best to fulfill the calling given to me as an instrument of the Lord.

My personal reflection note with Mama Julia🌹💗 

Link 👇🏻

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