475. "You Have Already Been Forgiven"

My husband and I, who were catechumens, could not receive the Eucharist, but we had never missed daily Mass until then. With an earnest desire for Jesus, we used to attend Mass and soothe our burning thirst for the Holy Eucharist with Semchigo as if we were receiving Communion. We always arrived at the church 30 minutes before Mass to prepare our hearts worthily.

But that day, even though it was almost 7 o'clock, I remained still instead of preparing myself for Mass. My husband said, "Honey, you should go to Mass, should you not?" "I am not going to church." "What are you talking about? Stop joking and let us go to church quickly." "I told you I am not going to church." "Why are you doing this all of a sudden? Hurry up and prepare yourself. Otherwise, we will be late." "Honey, go by yourself."

"Why would I go alone? Why would I go to church alone without you? Come on. Hurry up and get ready." He handed me a Mass book, a hymn book and a Mass veil. "I do not need them. I said I am not going." "I will put socks on you. Give me your feet." I quickly hid my feet but my husband, undeterred, put socks on me, dressed me up and took me out to church.

I suddenly hated the church and everyone else to the point of getting goosebumps. When I thought about my past, where I had been striving to live well up until then, it was a pain as if everything was crumbling down. Although I knew well the love of Jesus Who healed such tearful wounds and raised me from death to life, I felt suddenly scared of people and hated meeting them.

However, despite my stubborn refusal, I was led by the hand of my husband, who did not give up. I entered the church, almost like a cow being led to a slaughterhouse. But the very moment I entered the church, the Crucifix before my eyes looked big, very big, as if it had been enlarged. My eyes met the sorrowful eyes of Jesus Who was groaning in extreme pain.

The utmost love harboring His profound pain, reflected in His sad and ardent eyes, felt strong as if it were piercing through my heart. A huge wound inflicted on His Sacred Heart because of my weakness! "O Jesus, my Jesus, Who saved me from death out of love for me! I was wrong. Please forgive me. It was not that I turned away from You, Jesus, but please forgive me for falling for the devil's trick for a brief moment. I will start anew and never do that again. Please, I know you will forgive me, right?”

As I earnestly sought Jesus' mercy and forgiveness, the eyes of Jesus, which had appeared sad and sorrowful, suddenly changed into an affectionate, merciful, and warm eyes gazing upon His beloved child.

Then, I heard the affectionate voice of Jesus. "Yes, My beloved daughter! You have already been forgiven. Never lose courage and follow Me. The devil will fiercely strive to bring you down but I will protect you." Only then did I begin to come to my senses. Usually, I had never had any negative thought.

Rather, I had always felt sorry for not giving more to the Lord. Then, it must be one of the devil's methods of cutting me off from God's love that I suddenly did not want to come to church like today. Realizing this, I was freed from the devil's attack by the Lord's mercy and the Mass was more joyful and warm, making me happier than ever.

I had not been baptized yet and had not been able to receive the Holy Eucharist but the Lord is with me. So, what could there be that I fear and what would I envy? And what could be regretful or lacking? The devil became even angrier because he had failed to cut me off from Jesus. During the Mass on that day, the devil pressed my shoulders, head, and entire body even more severely and later even pulled my hairs mercilessly.

However, strengthened by the grace of the Lord, I shouted in my mind with an even more steadfast heart. "Sure, go ahead and do whatever you want. But, I will not budge at all. Now I belong to the Lord; I fear nothing! In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, I command you to leave right now and go to our Lord, Jesus Christ!"

When we returned home after the Mass, my husband smiled and said, "Honey, how did you feel? It was a good thing you went to Mass, was it not?" I was ashamed and embarrassed by what I did, but I had to admit my mistake and to make a new start. So I said with an embarrassed heart, "I am sorry, dear. How happy would the devil have been if you had not brought me even in my state of reluctance.

But thanks to you, I could win victory over the devil. Thank you so, so much." My husband said, "No, you told me about it in advance. The Lord, who knew that such a thing would happen and who loves you so much, spoke such a prophetic thing in advance through your mouth. How could I have dragged you along so forcefully like that if you had not told me so that morning?

I just did as you said. You told me that no matter what went wrong regarding going to church, it was not your true intention; it was the devil's work and you asked me to take you to the church by any means necessary, even by force. Oh, the devil's trick is so terrible, is it not? How could they possibly make your devout heart discouraged like that in an instant? Let us never be defeated by the devil anymore." My husband encouraged me.

I said, "Yes, indeed. Let us be always awake." We shed tears of gratitude together. I felt so terrified and dizzy as I thought that I could have been cut off from the love of God in an instant by falling for the devil’s trick. God is the unchangeable Divine, but we humans are inadequate and weak, so we can change instantly.

However, I resolved that even if I make mistakes, I will always acknowledge my weakness, quickly seek His forgiveness for my mistakes, start anew and become a flower of comfort and joy, blossoming fragrantly in the Heart of God. I also earnestly asked God to help me always awaken myself in prayer, discern the devil's cunning attacks well in unity with God and be victorious.

Through this experience, we made use of it as an opportunity to renew our resolution that we would lead a more devout life of faith.
‘O my Lord! Did You love this poor and worthless sinner so much that You kindled the flickering fire of love with the flames of the Holy Spirit so that it may flame up vigorously? Although I am always unworthy, please let me be sanctified by Your Blessing and the Precious Blood that You shed on the Cross.’

My personal reflection note with Mama Julia🌹💗 

Link 👉🏻

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