705. Knowing That It Was An Attack From The Devil Of Division, I Kept Asking For Forgiveness, Saying “My Fault,” But...

The second day at Docho secondary station dawned. Since it was the main day of the retreat, I felt rushed and anxious from the morning. The previous day, I had hurried out early to buy flowers and supplies, then traveled all the way to Gwangju to bring the president, and we arrived on the island only by evening. But even after arriving at Docho secondary station, I could not rest at all. I stayed up all night, praying while getting bitten by mosquitoes, so I was completely worn out.

I was very worried about President Paul, who must have slept on the floor. “He has to give the sermon today—did he manage to sleep well? It is the height of summer on the island, so there must have been many mosquitoes. Did they bite him badly...?” I prayed quietly and silently through the night, and only when morning came and I sensed both Mr. Rufino and his wife were awake, did I finally step outside.

When President Paul, whom I worried about all night, arrived at Mr. Rufino’s house, I carried the meal to greet them with sister Rufina. “President, did you manage to get some sleep?” But President Paul did not even look at me. Something felt strange. Worried about how President Paul might feel, I could not take even a spoonful of breakfast and only pretended to eat, with Semchigo as if I had eaten.

After breakfast, I approached President Paul. “President, is something wrong?” I asked, but he did not say a word. No matter how much I thought about it, I could not find anything I had done wrong. Still, I said to him, “President, is there something I might have done wrong? If I have hurt your feelings because of my shortcomings, please forgive me.”

Then President Paul suddenly glared at me fiercely and sharply reprimanded me, saying, “Julia, do you even have any sense? How could you sleep in Rufino’s room!” I was so shocked that I immediately and repeatedly said, “My apologies.” But he kept scolding me so intensely that cold sweat started running down my back.

I immediately realized, “Ah, this must be the devil of division playing tricks to disrupt the retreat.” I quickly said, “President, I was wrong. Next time, I will sleep outside,” and asked for forgiveness. But his anger did not subside. No matter how much I begged, it was no use. In fact, since there was no other room, I was told to sleep in Rufino’s room with his wife and children. I did not sleep at all and only prayed, so what could possibly be the big problem?

Moreover, even though I was inside a mosquito net, I was bitten badly by mosquitoes, and I had to be very careful not to wake the sleeping Mr. Rufino family. How could I have rested even for a moment? Still, I thought, “Ah, it is because I was there that the president got so angry. Even if it means being bitten by more mosquitoes, I should have prayed outside, or perhaps it would have been better if I had prayed in the church…”

I accepted it as my fault, offered it up with Semchigo as if I were loved, and kept asking for forgiveness. However, President Paul kept blaming me for sleeping in Rufino’s room and continued to treat me harshly. During that precious time when we were supposed to be introducing Saint Andrew Kim Taegon, instead of focusing on the retreat, the president kept getting angry and tormenting me whenever he saw me, which caused me great pain.

We were supposed to be united in spreading the love of the Lord, and the Blessed Mother, and especially the martyrdom spirit of Father Andrew Kim Taegon... but I felt the work had been ruined because of me, and I was so deeply sorry to the Lord that I did not know what to do with myself. I offered it up through the Prayers of Life for the success of the secondary station retreat, with Semchigo as if I were loved, but heavy tears flowed endlessly, until my eyes became completely swollen.

Yet, even though I was crying, whenever President Paul saw me, he would glare fiercely and ask, “Why did you sleep in Rufino’s room?” He could not control his anger. The look in his eyes was so terrifying that it felt like my chest was being squeezed. Still, I offered it up with Semchigo as if receiving the gaze of the gentle Jesus, and kept apologizing. No matter how many times I knelt and begged for forgiveness, promising it would never happen again, it was all in vain.

Even though this went on for hours, neither Mr. Rufino nor sister Rufina said a word. No matter how much I tried my best to offer it all up with Semchigo as if I were loved, it continued. In the end, I did not know what to do and was deeply distressed. With nowhere else to go, I found a pile of straw left after threshing the rice a little farther away. I crawled inside and, with Semchigo as if I were loved, cried and prayed.

“Jesus! My heart hurts so much—how much more must Your Heart be hurting? Today, President Paul has to give a retreat lecture, but the devil of division is tormenting him terribly. Please soften his heart so that today’s retreat goes well. Please manage it and guide us...”

While I was praying, President Rufino suddenly shouted, “Oh, President! Julia is here!” He had finally found me crying and praying inside the straw. Even though it was because of him that I was going through this, President Rufino showed no sign of remorse. Still, I did not feel disappointed because I offered it up with Semchigo as if I were loved.

I had been scolded continuously since morning and had been begging for forgiveness for over ten hours. No matter how painful it was, I offered everything up for the success of the retreat, practicing Semchigo as if I were loved. Yet, the president’s anger had not eased. He said, “Rufino, I am not going to give the lecture. Tell Julia to do it.”

My personal reflection note with Mama Julia🌹💗 

Link 👇🏻

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