777. Preparing for Death a Second Time: Keeping the Holy Hours Devotion within the Community

 777. Preparing for Death a Second Time: Keeping the Holy Hours Devotion within the Community

After being discharged from the hospital and returning home, I gathered my family and began preparing them for my passing. It was Lent once again when I began preparing for death a second time. Everyone was shocked, but I spoke calmly.

“Mother, my apologies, and Honey, I am also sorry about you. And my beloved babies, listen closely to what I am going to say. I should have died long ago, but the Lord has kept me alive and given me these extra years. The Lord not only gave me back my life, but He also fed us, clothed us, and even gave us the means to earn a living, when at one point we didn’t have enough money to even rent a single room. So even if I were to die today, while we may not have much, we now have enough to get by. Of course, life without your mother won’t be the same, but we must give thanks to the Lord simply for allowing this mother, who should long ago have died and been buried in the ground, to live until now. We must always be grateful to the Lord for everything. Even if your mother dies, do not grieve.”

When I said this and other things, the whole family broke down in tears. Yet I continued speaking, and although they listened for a long time weighed down with sorrow, in the end they came to understand me and resolved to follow my wishes.

I was waiting calmly for a death that could arrive at any moment, yet I could not lie down or sit in comfort, since I kept passing a little urine without realizing it. So I sat on a bedpan, placed three pillows in front of me, lifted my arms on them, and bowed low, offering myself up entirely to the Lord for the repentance of sinners and pouring out unceasing prayers.

Sitting on the bedpan for so long might have caused soreness and discomfort, but the pain was so overwhelming that I hardly noticed such things. Even as I writhed in agony on the bedpan, my mother, who would come in only now and then, would say with her heart aching in pity, “My dear, there is no one else here. Can’t you at least take off that long skirt and make yourself comfortable?” I kept the long skirt on to cover my body, even though only my mother ever came into the small room where I was.

So I answered, “Mother, you can see me yourself. But more than that, God is watching, and Jesus, the Blessed Mother, and the angels are all watching too.”

My mother, her heart aching for me, said, “Oh my, you’re still saying the same thing as ever! Don’t you remember? Back when you were five and came along with me to do peddling work, we had to walk that long mountain path, 50 ri (about 20 kilometers). I knew you needed to go, so I told you, ‘There’s no one around, just go ahead.’ But you insisted, ‘Mother, no, I can’t. Heavens and earth are watching.’

I said, ‘Heavens and earth are simply there, how can they see anything?’ Yet you insisted and held yourself back, and even now, after all these decades, you are still the same.”

No matter how painful it was, I could not bring myself to do something merely for my own comfort. I did not even allow my family to enter my room, since I did not want them to see me suffering and groaning in such a state. Only my own mother came in from time to time, in order to tend to me.

One day, unable to bear it, she said, “My dear, why don’t you just wear a diaper and lie down comfortably?”

Hearing of my condition, my husband, turning toward the sliding door, also said with deep concern, “Honey, how can you stay like that? It might be better if you wore a diaper.”

But I offered myself just as I was, wholly to the Lord for the repentance of sinners, practicing Semchigo as if I had been loved with Jesus’ utmost love.

“No, just the fact that He has kept me alive until now is something I’m deeply grateful for. That’s why I must offer this sacrifice, at the very least. My apologies. Please make a good offering of it.”

At that, she said, “Who can stop you,” but still accepted my heart as it was.

I couldn’t sleep at all almost every night, and even during the day, I offered up my suffering and prayed without ceasing. Even in pain, I observed the Holy Hours devotion alone, to make reparation for the insults that Jesus receives. Then one day, I suddenly felt the desire to pray the Holy Hours within the community. However, after I could no longer attend because of my suffering, the Holy Hours at Naju parish stopped altogether.

To take part in the Holy Hour within the community, I had no choice but to travel all the way to Gwangju. At that time, brothers and sisters in faith were gathering for the Holy Hours at the home of President Aloysius Kim. In order to attend, I had no choice but to wear a diaper. When I said I wanted to go, my mother was filled with worry, and my husband was utterly shocked. The whole family insisted that I absolutely could not go and tried desperately to stop me.

Because I desired to die while participating in the Lord’s suffering, I turned away from my family’s stopping me and said, “Even if I die on the way, I am the Lord’s. Even if I live, I am the Lord’s. May this humble offering of my small sacrifice and suffering in reparation be fully acceptable to the Lord, so that His divine will may be accomplished.” I hid my pain, offered it up joyfully, and set out alone for Gwangju, ready to lay down my life.

Though I felt sad for my worried family, I said firmly, “If I were to die on the way while going for the Lord, what a great glory could it be? If only for His glory, and for the repentance of sinners, I will gladly lay down my life. Even if I die, please offer it up graciously.” With that resolute heart, I summoned all my strength and left home.

I had not eaten for some time and could barely hold my body upright, facing down in suffering. Each step made the world spin around me intensely, yet I firmly believed that the Lord would send angels to safely guide my path.

My steps felt unbearably heavy, and I almost collapsed. Yet as I meditated on the Lord, bloodied and bearing the heavy cross for the repentance of sinners, climbing Calvary, I practiced semchigo as if carrying His cross together with Him. With this thought, I moved forward one difficult step at a time and made my way toward Gwangju.

My personal reflection note with Mama Julia🌹💗 

Link 👇🏻

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