445. The Heat of the Holy Spirit Melts My Ice-Cold Body

💌 445. The Heat of the Holy Spirit Melts My Ice-Cold Body

I followed my husband to the Naju Catholic Church. That was the very church my feet had led me to late at night a while earlier, when I became a naked baby and cried, revealing all my wounds in front of Jesus on the cross. When I arrived at the church with my husband in broad daylight, it had an atmosphere very different from that day but I felt as if God’s presence and peace were there.

The affectionate voice that I had heard at that time when I had collapsed and fainted–“Should you wake up in a hurry to go home?”–seemed to pass by my ears. We met and had an interview with Fr. James Koh Jae-Young, the parish priest. I could not tell him that I had cancer because my husband was by my side. So, I told him only part of my pain.

“Father, if there is God or any other god, he is too harsh. What did I do wrong that I should drink this bitter cup?” Regarding “Bitter cup,” the priest or my husband who heard the word “bitter cup” would have understood it as the pain that I had been through. However, what I meant was “death,” my final moment that was not far off.

“If there is God or any other god, he is too harsh.” I said it while thinking about the selfless life that I had lived all my life which I had pursued and hoped for since I was young. Even though I was uncomfortable, did I not dedicate my life to my neighbors without ever taking a break, hoping to bring them ease?

Even when I was an elementary school child, even if I had to go hungry for 3 to 5 days, I unsparingly gave all my food to beggars, practicing Semchigo as if I had eaten. So people even called our house the place where beggars and peddlers stayed. 

I always showed my love to the point where I gave my panties I was wearing when they said they had no panties. I lived a life of feeling more heartbroken over the pain of others than my own. Even though I was groaning in constant pain, I wanted to instill hope in everyone and even when I was dying, I always lived for the benefit and peace of others.

I had a humble dream of being a resting place for the poor and marginalized, being a friend to the poor, the abandoned and caring for poor elderly women who no one takes care of as if they were my own mother. But now, I had to go through the pain of all my dreams being shattered in the face of death!

Soon, I had to return to being a handful of dirt where all my intentions toward love would come to an end. I tried my best in my whole life to run a good household without my father. I had wanted to take good care of my loving mother who had been through much only for me but I was facing the reality that I would soon become a tomb in her heart.

Far from being filial to my mother, I would cruelly drive a big nail into her heart (ref:*due to my passing earlier than her), which caused me unbearable heartache. I felt it too cruel. That was why I said like that. After I finished speaking, the priest spoke. “Ma’am, you are receiving grace through your body. Even I have never received that kind of love.”

When the priest finished speaking, I immediately responded with "Amen". Even though I had been in extreme agony just a moment earlier, I did not doubt his words and accepted them with “Amen” like a child in a simple way. The moment I responded with ‘Amen,' I felt a surge of heat, as if something flamed up brightly deep within my soul.

"Ah! I see, I was being loved by God! I am so sorry, God, for preparing to die without even knowing that. Please forgive me. I will pull myself together and start anew." I thought to myself. Then, my whole body which had been as cold as ice, began to heat up like a ball of fire.

In fact, The priest I consulted with had not been ordained for very long and had not participated in the Charismatic Movement. So he was not the type of a priest who would say so. Nonetheless, to save me, an unworthy sinner, from death and to use me as an instrument, the Lord called me to the Catholic Church just before my death. It happened through my husband who had never returned home before the end of working hours since we got married.

The Lord Himself performed such a miracle of love through the priest’s mouth. “O God, You showed great love and grace to me with Your merciful love. So, I will make a new start. As I entrust myself to You wholly, please lead me according to Your will.”